I haven't blogged lately for lack of material. It is the opposite, really. I haven't been blogging lately because I have so many issues and emotions swimming around in my head, and I just can't concentrate on one area. Have you seen the internet card that jokes about having so much to do that the person just took a nap, instead? That feels like me blogging.
Have you ever missed someone when they have never left you? Maybe a loved one is going away on a trip, or family is leaving town for a new adventure. Whatever the case may be, you miss them, but they haven't left. In fact, they could be sitting right next to you. I have spurts of that during my day. I miss my kids that haven't left yet. I miss what they're going to learn away from my loving arms and protection. I miss his and her smiles and giggles. I could very well miss first steps and words.My heart is tearing in two just writing this. That, is exactly why I haven't been blogging. It hits a painful piece of me inside that I don't let people see.
Those who are around me often get the strong woman that is taking care of children who I did not give life to. I'm supposed to be doing this great charitable act, and in reality, I'm dying a little bit inside. Pieces of my heart have been given away, and they leave little holes. I'd like to think that the light of God shines through those holes, because that is the only glue that is holding this tattered heart together. Oh, the shreds are painful, but they are perfectly illuminating love into this terribly dark world. Again, the tears are falling down my cheeks, but perfect joy comes in the morning. He has brought me here. I have faith that he won't leave me here, and heaven knows that I will need so much strength to get through the darkest times when they are gone, for good. Oh, God, I already miss them. The lights in their eyes, and her small voice calling me "Mama" being lost into a memory pierces like a dagger.
Here is another painful realization, my kids are so young that they won't even remember my face when they go. I've poured so much of myself into them, they'll stay with me, but I will not with them. I may be hazey distant memory without a face, and my sweet whispers of lullabies in the darkness may hide within the chambers of their hearts, but there will be no vivid memories of us. I'll be loving them from afar. My mind will always wander to them. My heart will always miss them. I will silently celebrate their birthdays. The years will slip by, and I will carry them with me throughout them. I guess that is another gift to be given, loving someone throughout their life, in secret. My God, give me the strength. Yes, for I already miss them, even as they sleep under my roof tonight.
